Like any good book or project, I am a work in progress. Continually being developed by the author. Fleshing out the character, the plot. My new normal is not a static state but rather a very fluid one. One which changes - whether for better or not - every week. Somedays on a daily basis as I'm working on or processing one issue or another.
Change is part of life. Period. Therefore, in order to be (a) alive and (b) human, change is also part of my life. I'm learning to embrace - rather than run from - change.
The person I was in 2011 and before is not who I am now. I am in a different spot. A different space. I am continually learning, growing, changing, healing.
The person I am today as I write this blog is not necessarily who I will be tomorrow.
I have superb cognitive and intuitive skills. When I see the tip of the iceberg, I'm not just looking at the tip but interested in discovering the mass below the surface to get a better understanding of it. To discover what is below the surface of human reactions and interactions. To discover who I am and what I am this way.
Discovering who I am as a survivor of past trauma and a victim of PTSD has enhanced my view of the strengths I have - partly because of the trauma and resulting PTSD.
Just because I have survived emotional trauma does not mean I am weak. On the contrary, the fact that I have lived to talk the tale is a telling point: I am not a weakling; rather, there is a hidden strength deep within me.
During the journey of 2011, I discovered I am an ESFJ personality type. What others have perceived as my analyzing things to death is actually part of my personality profile. Discovering what personality type I am and the characteristics inherent in that personality type - which I fit to a "t" - has given me great insight not only into who I am intrinsically but also how others perceive me based on that personality type.
Part and parcel of being an ESFJ is the possession of analytical/cognitive skills. A part of me that allows me to analyze things. Think on things. Research things. And then come to an educated conclusion as to what really happened and the dynamics behind it.
This ability to analyze, research and come to educated conclusions is a huge strength. Not a disability or a strike against me.
I could jump ahead to the space I occupy now after almost a year of therapy, research and life. Or I could dwell on significant pieces of the journey into and through this new normal. Sometimes extremely painful. Other times funny: a place with humour reigns. Sometimes a place of surprising beauty and peace. Other times a place of facing past horrific events: a place where horror reigns. Always a journey. Always a significant part of who I am and how I came to be this person I now am.
Which will I choose?