Monday, May 14, 2012

Welcome to My World

Recently I've started posting a picture on FB I've taken each day and calling it "welcome to my world".  After all, cuz'n bear has her Bob of the day, others post pictures with captions from different sites, so why shouldn't I try to follow these and yet differentiate myself?

My world has changed a lot in recent years.  From 2006-mid 2010, my world became a journey of recovery.  The old was going.  New was around each corner.  My world became a neat place, a place of growth, of new experiences, of changing relationships.  It became a place of expectancy where I grew and changed weekly.  Life was good.  I was having fun.

Did my life change with a whimper?  Or did it change with a bang?  I think it was mostly a process of erosion inexorably taking place over months.  For the most part, slowly.  Yet with moments of crisis, of trauma, of severe stress.

My world was divided into two parts:  inside the stressful situation which was confined to one place, albeit a significant place in my life; and the rest of my life.  The outside world.  My family.  Safe places with safe people.  While the one continued to go downhill; the other continued on its upward journey.

Yet even that wasn't enough to keep the inevitable from happening.  It may have slowed down the process.  It may have even made the injury, when it finally happened, less severe.  But it could not stop the inevitable train wreck of my emotions, my body, my life from happening.

Post 2011 has been a journey of survival.  Surviving stress breakdown, psychiatric injury, complex PTSD and all the myriad affects and effects these phenomenon impose on the body and the mind.  Surviving the at times overwhelming siren call of suicidal ideation.

My world has changed dramatically from being an energetic, outgoing, independent person to one who fights to have the energy to wake up and get out of bed in the morning.  At it's worst, my body is plagued with itching so severe that I can't bear to have anything or anyone touch my skin.  Cognitive skills necessary for driving are severely impaired.  Confusion ensues.  Driving is only an option on my good days.  On my bad ones, I stay inside with my DVDs, my computer, my knitting.

My body temperature is completely out of whack.  Sometimes freezing.  Five minutes later, sweating.  And then back again.  Like a pendulum which I have no control over.  Making my world that much more interesting to navigate.

My world consists of my home, specifically my office where I have all the necessities for life:  DVD's, yarn, needles, hooks, patterns, my computer. a space heater and a fan.  Also a phone.  A rocking chair. And, of course, the cat who has seemed to know from the beginning that something is wrong and sticks by me closer than a brother.

Human interaction is mostly through the computer, through social media when I can't leave the house due to one or the other of the affects.

Yet, my life still has value.  My life is still worth living.  Even in its altered state, life is still good.  Challenging, to be sure, yet still good.

Like "S", "B" and the other seniors I met during my sojourn at the residence, I find ways to reach out and touch others.

Welcome to my world.

More in another blog.

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