... Thought by thought. Slowly. Ever so slowly.
Forward momentum for me, at this point, is like trying to push a very large, heavy rock up a hill. Actually, the rock doesn't have to be that heavy. It just feels heavy to me. Unwieldy. The hill may not be that steep in actuality. But to me, it feels like a mountain. A very large, tall, even scary mountain.
This is how the journey of starting to move forward - once again - feels to me at the outset.
Last year, at the beginning of 2012, I set some "goals" for myself re: moving forward into recovery, into health and a new beginning involving three realms: professional development; physical development and social development.
Professionally, I wanted to indulge in my dream to become a writer. But I didn't know how. Where to start? I'd dabbled in writing way back in the early 90s. Went to a writer's conference. Picked people's brains. Even got published a few times.
But then life - in the form of severe depression - intervened. Healing. Raising children. Working. All of these intervened, and I shelved the lifelong dream as nothing more than a pipe dream.
Then life intervened again. This time in the form of suddenly becoming unemployed. Two stress breakdowns back to back. Being forced to leave the workplace under less than stellar conditions.
Struggling to recover. Struggling to make sense of things than can never make sense. Trying to go forward. Being in-transition work wise. The dream began to revive.
By the beginning of 2012, I was feeling ready to move forward professionally.
Since my dream was to write, those around me encouraged me to start a blog. Actually some of them had been encouraging me for months. So, I decided to get off my duff - or rather on it - and sit down and write. To write my blog. To share whatever came to me. And hope that people would actually read it. So, one day, trembling in my boots, I took the dive. I found it exhilarating. Especially as people were indeed accessing this site and reading the words I had written.
I enjoyed it, although I found it to be hard work - especially as recovery from the severely stressful situation and its resultant debilitating physical affects was on-going. Emotionally, I seemed to be recovering at a faster rate than I was physically. It was a challenge then. It remains a challenge now.
Life continues on. No matter what a person has already experienced or is recovering from, life - good and bad - continues on. Life events the person has no control over. Loved ones get married. Loved ones die. Loved ones get mad at you. Loved ones.... And sometimes unloved ones get in the way too.
So my life continued and I felt like I was drowning. Buried under layers and layers of junk. Sometimes my own junk. Sometimes other people's junk. Overwhelmed. Constantly fatigued. Weak.
Layer on layer.
Yet my mind kept saying: write. Write again. You can do it. Write.
So I have started this blog up again as well as beginning the naked knitter blog (knittingaunatrurel.blogspot.com). I'm moving slowly. The words not flowing as they once did. But coming nonetheless.
Word by word.
Step by step.