Friday, November 22, 2013

What I've learned on the road to recovery post complex PTSD

      Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day.  It was a day in which my re-emerging personality was bruised and battered, almost to the point of annihilation.  It was a day where tears and judgements prevailed.  It was a day that I am still recovering from. More than 24 hours post "whatever", my eyes still feel encrusted with tears.  Tears that still threaten to spill out.  A pervasive sense of loss.  A desire to retreat from the world and hide under my bed.  A strong feeling of wanting to give up.  Quit trying.  Quit working toward recovery.  

     It was in this frame of mind that I remember this piece of prose that I had written years ago - maybe around 2010 when what I call phase one of recovery was having its glorious work.

     So today, this is what I want to share with you.  Things that I've learned on this road to recovery.

¬ I’ve learned that good can come out of bad things

¬ I’ve learned that the relationships that are the most important to me are my family

¬ I’ve learned that my husband does care for me; he may not understand me or know what to do in certain situations, but he does love me

¬ I’ve learned that I am loved.

¬ I’ve learned to value, honour and respect my husband.  And he is responding in kind
¬ I’ve learned to put the crocheting, knitting or the book down and talk with my husband.

¬ I’ve learned to pay attention when he wants to talk about things that don’t really interest me because they do interest him and that shows I value him

¬ I’ve learned that the only person I can change is myself.  But when I change myself, others change towards me as a result.

¬ I’m learning to trust God in the small things because if I can trust Him in the nitty-gritty aspects of my daily life, then I can surely trust Him in the BIG issues.

¬ I’m learning to talk to God just like I would to a real person.  I find it hard but I also find it exhilarating as He directs my petitions and thoughts in completely unthought of directions.

¬ I’ve learned that I am not stupid.

¬ I no longer tell myself that I’m stupid.

¬ I’ve learned that I do have talents and what some of them are.

¬ I’ve learned that my strengths are more numerous than my weaknesses and to concentrate on them.

¬ I’m learning to say I’m sorry when I’m wrong – and work to make things right.

¬ I’m learning to work on relationships and seeing the rewards of hard work in that area.

¬ I’m learning about trauma and how it affects people in general and how it affected me in particular.

¬ I’ve learned that I’m pretty typical of people who have been affected by trauma.

¬ I’ve learned that there is life after trauma – and that it can be good.

¬ I’ve learned that detours can be fun – if you let them be.

¬ I’m learning not to take things personally (although some people from yesterday might disagree on that one).

¬ I’m learning what my triggers are and that helps me not react to things as badly.

¬ I’m enjoying life a lot more.

¬ I’ve learned that although I might go through a rough patch, overall I am doing well.

¬ I’ve learned that it’s more common to hear than it is to listen – and how destructive and wounding that can be.

¬ I’ve learned what secondary wounding is and how to recognize it when it is happening to me.

¬ I’ve learned what people who are experiencing trauma are going through and what kind of support and encouragement they need.

¬ I’ve learned that relationships take effort.

¬ I’ve learned that people respond to initiatives.

¬ I’ve learned that good relationships are built slowly – one block at a time.

And that is where I will leave you, dear reader, today.  The rest of the list on Monday.

May you have a good and blessed weekend.

1 comment:

  1. Love the hope that's riddled through this - despite everything I think it's amazing that you're able to step back and express hope!

    This little tidbit particularly caught me: ' it’s more common to hear than it is to listen ' wow! Such a sad truth. And it's only through awareness of that ourselves that we can really begin to listen!